Journal 2.0

I had this thought last night while trying to sleep.

I was thinking of the little girl we encountered at the park yesterday, lying prone in a medical-type stroller, dressed in full Jasmine costume.  I remembered Marley’s fourth birthday, when she sat in a salon chair and had the stylists fawning over her hair and makeup.  I imagined what it must have been like to style this child, prone, unable to sit up.  And thinking of her parents.  When Ma saw them wheel her by, she raised up her hands to God and practically exclaimed, “Thank you!”

While I understand the sentiment, I can’t help but think that it’s the wrong sentiment to have. Because what you’re not doing is finishing the sentence. It’s actually, “Thank you God for making it them and not us.”

Anytime we look at the “less fortunate” and use it to make ourselves grateful for what we have, we’re comparing. We’re judging their life as unhappier and more difficult than our own. But the only way I could get myself to stop crying over that girl last night was to remember that she doesn’t require or deserve my pity. She’s as blessed as I am and she’s perfect just the way she is.

Even though I understand the gratitude, it doesn’t feel right. How can I be grateful for my daughter’s health and vibrancy without feeling like we’re better off than they are. Without celebrating that we’re better off than people whose children are sick.

I was feeling for her parents who looked unhappy both times I ran into them yesterday. It looked like they took this Disney vacation because they wanted to for the child, but that it made them sad instead of happy. Maybe I’m reading too much into it. However, I didn’t see them smile or even talk to each other once. I wondered what it was like for them to walk around that park seeing parents enjoying a “normal” day with their ambulatory, healthy children. I wondered how that made them feel. Angry? I wondered if they were thinking, “These people don’t know how good they have it.”

And again, realize that I’m judging. I don’t know what it’s like to be them, and I’m grateful for that ignorance. I know from the bigger perspective, everything is as it should be. But they didn’t appear to be in that place. And neither am I. So from the human perspective, I would rather all children were born healthy and all parents could be happy. I wouldn’t wish the fate of caring for a sick child on anybody. I guess, ultimately, for me at this point in time anyway, coming from the human perspective, non-judgment is elusive.

I don’t know how to reconcile my gratitude for my own blessings with my sadness for theirs.

I feel so much better than I did while writing my earlier post.

I just had (was given) the idea to “work” on our future for at least one hour every day–probably the first hour of our down time in the evenings. Corey signed on as well. So that’s two hours a day committing to our future. It’s like putting money in the bank.

And I feel better already.

I put in my hour tonight searching through all the saved tabs from earlier today, looking for ideas, helpful websites, and opportunities and organizing them. Then Corey and I had an impromptu meeting.

Some ideas for future one-hour sessions:

Read the Facebook book
Get on Writers Market and look around for jobs
Get on elance and look for jobs
Go through my writings
Re-read Writer Mama
Listen to the teleseminars I’ve downloaded
search for markets and write fillers
write memoir vignettes
check out the VA websites

I know now that whenever I sit down to work on our future, the right opportunities and ideas will come directly to me. I am attracting them just by committing to the hour each day. Thank you.

This is a prayer. I thank you, Universe, and our amazing Angels, for helping Corey and I earn $4000 per month, effortlessly. No more warehouse for Corey. No warehouse for me. No more jobs that feel like settling.

I thank you for the large sum of money that is on it’s way to us as we speak.
I thank you for my faith in you, and me.
I thank you for the health of my family, and the love in our home.

Corey needs help breaking out of the habit of settling for less than he’s worth. He could use a boost of confidence and faith. Thank you for helping him to do something with the longer term in mind. Help him to understand that actions he takes today will pay off tomorrow. Thank you for removing his fear and replacing it with faith. It’s hard for me to see him like this. Thank you for helping me to be loving and supportive while he’s down, rather than reacting to it.

I know it’s all good. I just want Corey to know it too. Thank you for helping him act. Please move through him and give him the ganas to do whatever it takes to get CC supporting us.

It’s stupid that we’re wasting all this time working at the warehouse, when he could be making $200 an hour doing shows. It’s stupid. Thank you for bringing us $4000 per month worth of shows. Thank you for the continual flow of money-making opportunities coming our way.

And if we were smarter with our money, we’d be making more of it. Thank you for helping us learn how to handle our finances in a positive, productive, and abundance-creating way.

Thank you for helping Corey to replace his fear and doubt with faith. Thank you for helping him to see the long-term more clearly. It’s so important he understands that he cannot continue working for $10/hour. I know he’s working hard, and that’s even more reason why it doesn’t make sense. He needs to work smarter for his family and himself, not harder. Please show him the way. Thank you for showing him how to do it, for giving him the clarity to SEE it and the ganas to DO it.

Also, thank you for bringing Debra into my life. Thank you for showing me the way. Thank you for bringing us the right clients and their money. Thank you for helping her list grow so that she can attain the passive income she’s asking for.

Today has been a really good day so far. I feel like we’re back on track.

I was scheduled as an art class volunteer at Marley’s school this morning and it was fun. Chaotic, but fun. Marley was so happy that I was there–it was awesome. And I got to feel like part of the school. I got to talk to Danielle, who told me that she was the one who recommended Marley be put in the Honorary Kindergartener Program. I didn’t know that, so I was glad to learn so that I could thank her. And I got to thank Ms. Sedonia for teaching the children Spanish. She was thrilled when I told her that Marley is enjoying speaking Spanish now that she sees other people speak it besides me. I was grateful to be able to thank her personally. So, overall, it was a very good morning. Thank you.

And I booked a $300 show for September 15th with previously summers-only customer, so that’s great news too. Good day. All because I remembered to pray this morning. Thank you.

Oh God, thank You. I was really stressing my job last week. I couldn’t get anything right, and I couldn’t get motivated or organized. I was spiralling downward pretty quickly. But instead of giving up, I prayed. I asked for help in getting myself together. So Corey helped me move the bedroom around and set up the computer in here. I have an office now, and I even like it. The room looks and feels so much better than it did before. I had a superproductive day of work today and I am so grateful.

Also, it’s really sweet having a new, awesome computer. Yay! Thank you.