Journal 2.0

DEAR HOS: I’m not sure even a career diplomat could handle this without hurt feelings. I have always believed that when people are so dense they cannot understand the inappropriate nature of their own behavior, the victim of their insensitivity must adopt a direct response — in your case, a declaration of independence. You must tell this relative that you cherish your evenings as a time to be by yourself and her decision to “share” this time with you must come to an end. As for her becoming “extremely offended,” you are the one with legitimate cause to take offense. If you allow yourself be pushed around, that is what will happen.

This is a copy of the email I just sent to Dear Margo. Ha! I tried to be succinct, but apparently failed. It’s such a long story.

Three years ago, my 26 year old sister-in-law “Pat” came to live with us and it was as if I’d suddenly inherited a sullen teenager. She refused to work, refused to pick up after herself, refused to contribute in any way to the household. Before she moved in, my husband and I were doing all we could to keep our home and keep ourselves fed. We were alone in a new home, 1600 miles away from both our families and had just had our first child. “Pat” came into our home knowing the situation, and offering to be of service, either babysitting so I could work, or contributing financially. She did neither. She was so lazy and careless that I could not trust her to be alone with my baby (her niece). When asked, she would either mope or flat out refuse to help. She once asked my husband why she should have to help him take out “his” trash. She mooched for months yet acted as if we were being unreasonable because we minded. She finally left our home because my “rules” were too many and too “harsh.” Rules like, “put your dirty dishes in the dishwasher” and “go to work instead of laying about on my couch all day.” I could go on, and on…and on. But you get the idea. Her behavior and her personality point directly to the medical definition of Sociopath.

When she moved back to our hometown, you can imagine how grateful I felt. Until she started telling everyone in my husband’s family how awfully I treated her. She even told his other sister (who told me) that I am a miserable person (and I was because she was making me miserable), that my husband would be better off without me, and that she sees us getting a divorce soon. Margo, I have been in this family for more than 10 years, and I’m not only her brother’s chosen one, but her niece’s mother as well. Her lies have destroyed my relationship with my mother-in-law, and strained them with others in the family. They refuse to see that she is mentally ill and needs help, and instead choose to believe her lies (despite the fact that they all know she’s, at the very least, a habitual liar).

My dilemma is this: I don’t ever want to see her again. I don’t see this as a problem, but my husband does. He was angry with his sister when she left, but he says he’s forgiven her and moved on. He can’t understand why I can’t do the same. And I can’t understand how he can feel no desire to protect or defend my name against her lies. He says they’re so absurd that he doesn’t even want to dignify them with a response. We live a spirituality-based lifestyle, working consciously to make the world a better place, one relationship at a time. He says that replying with anger to her nonsense will only bring more energy and attention to the negative. I do understand what he’s saying, but I also feel that, living in the world, there are times when we must stand up for ourselves. I feel that his loyalty to his sister is misplaced this time and that he’s lapsing in his responsibility to me, his wife.

I’ve lost all perspective at this point, Margo. I would sincerely appreciate it if you would share yours.

Corey and I have been having productive discussions lately.

We discussed that one of the biggest things holding us back is our toleration of each other’s shortcomings and bad habits. I have been performing an “experiment” of sorts in not tolerating all the little things that represent the big flaws in Corey’s character. But the key is that I’ve been doing it without judgment, and without allowing my ego to attach any meaning (fear) to it. I’m just pointing things out.

For example, I cleaned the bathroom to perfection a week ago, and noticed this week that his stuff is beginning to spread out all over the counter again. Instead of getting angry about it, or ignoring it and letting the bathroom go to shit again, I simply pointed it out to him, saying, “This is how the bathroom gets messy. Let’s keep up with it before it gets out of hand.” Another example, I asked him to empty the trash in our room, which he did. But he left the empty trash barrel in the middle of the kitchen for a day and a half. I calmly explained to him that this is an example of his habit of quitting tasks before they’re complete. He’s been receptive. Mostly because I’m not attacking him, I’m just stating a fact. No anger, no fear that it means he’s never going to change, none of that. Just helping him grow by pointing these things out. I told him to feel free to do the same for me.

Today, once again, our discussion turned to Kim. These conversations have been momentarily helpful but, obviously, not doing the intended long-term work, since we’re still having them. It’s been two years this week since she left. And we’re still talking about her.

But today got productive, finally, because I finally let it all hang out. I explained to Corey that, under any other circumstances, this person would be out of my life for good. I’ve never had to deal with a situation like this before. Anytime someone’s fucked me over as badly as Kim has, they’re gone. If it weren’t for Corey, I would think nothing of cutting her out of my life forever. But because I can’t do that, I’m stuck. I don’t know how to deal with my feelings toward her. I don’t know how I’m supposed to talk to her and act normal when I’m still so angry. How it makes me feel that this person who I never want to see or hear from again calls my daughter and talks to her. I asked him how he thought that made me feel.

At one point, I felt free enough, and empowered enough to come out from under his spell and shout to him and to the world that I never want to see her face again. “She’s an ASSHOLE!” I yelled. I’m tired of trying to fight my own feelings and decided in that moment to just accept them. She hurt me, badly. Why should I release my angry feelings before I’ve even had a chance to feel them. That’s why there still festering inside me, because under his influence, I’ve not had a chance to properly feel them.

Corey listened while I yelled, then told me I need to step back and look at the situation with a little distance between, so I can see how small it is, really. I know that on the one hand, he’s right. But on the other hand, I feel like he’s using his spirituality as an excuse to avoid necessary confrontation. He’s using it as a way to excuse her from her actions rather than confront her about them.

And this is upsetting to me. It hurts me because he’s more willing to judge me for not forgiving her than he is to judge her for hurting me in the first place. I think he’s still under her spell. And I think he’s blinded into believing that she’s a better person than she really is. He doesn’t see how unlikely it is that she will somehow magically find herself and realize the error of her ways. She’s mentally ill and sliding down a slippery slope. She’s probably not going to get better without help of some kind–and he’s unwilling to offer her that help because he’s unwilling to speak truthfully with her.

He excuses her manipulating and using behavior, saying, “She’s just Kim.” As if that gives her license to treat everyone in her life as a means to her own poorly-thought-out ends. It does not. I’m tired of him making excuses for her. And I’m hurt that he’s more concerned with his own comfort level than he is with correcting my abuser.

And the fact that I put up with this abuse for as long as I did FOR HIM doesn’t help matters.

The problem is that he sees it as an either/or situation, when it’s clearly not. I understand why he would want to forgive her and move on, and i respect that. I know he’s a loyal person and I love him for it. However, in this case, I can’t help but feel that his loyalty is misplaced. I feel like he’s still asking more of me than he ever has of her. I don’t know how he can accept her awful behavior, yet not accept that I won’t accept it. Just because I don’t want to see her doesn’t mean he can’t. That’s what he doesn’t understand. And apparently he doesn’t get that I’m never going to trust her again, so what’s the point? How could I? Fool me once, shame on me, etc.

These are excerpts taken from a journal entry I made last night:

For all his logic, I don’t think that Corey sees that in doing his “duty” to his sister, he’s neglecting a more necessary and promised duty to me, his wife. It hurts me that he knows how much Kim hurt me and continues to hurt me and doesn’t feel even the slightest bit protective of me. He doesn’t feel angry with her for hurting me. If anything, he’s angry with me for hanging on to my anger. I don’t know how that is possible unless he’s in total denial or truly doesn’t care. How can you let someone hurt the one you love? His reasoning (excuse) is that she’s not hurting me, I’m allowing her to hurt me. And I know what he means, but that doesn’t EXCUSE her actions–or it shouldn’t. In his mind it does. Because “she’s Kim” I just have to accept whatever shit she spews, regardless of how toxic it is? That doesn’t even make sense coming from someone who refuses to watch the news in order to protect his energy field from it’s poisonous energy. But I’m supposed to let my guard down and let a known attacker back into my home and heart just because “she’s Kim.” I don’t fucking think so. He knows quite well that I don’t keep people I can’t trust anywhere near me. I throw them far, far away and then lock the doors. I guess I’m just torn and hurt that he’s so unconcerned with my feelings that he doesn’t feel even slightly protective of me. He’s even more protective of her really, since he feels he’s protecting her from the truth by not discussing her behavior with her. Seriously. I don’t know what kind of husband allows his family to use, disrespect, and basically abuse his wife, repeatedly. Well, I do know, but I’m not willing to even write it out loud right now.