Journal 2.0

Ryan has published several collections of poetry, including The Niagara River (Grove Press, 2005); Say Uncle (2000); Elephant Rocks (1996); Flamingo Watching (1994), which was a finalist for both the Lamont Poetry Selection and the Lenore Marshall Prize; Strangely Marked Metal (1985); and Dragon Acts to Dragon Ends (1983).

And I have to say I am grateful for the kittens for many of my own selfish reasons. Not the least of which is getting my mind off my humiliating meeting with Debra the day before.

I don’t even really want to get into it again. It was just awful. I don’t understand why she just doesn’t fire me already, honestly. My work sucks. I finally land my dream job and I’m failing, not just miserably, but astoundingly.

I sat there and took all the critical karma I had coming to me. And it was devastating. I cried like a baby and felt like a fool for that too.

I figured out that it all boils down to time. The fact is that I have got to slow the fuck down, period. And that goes for every area of my life, not just my work. But work will be good training for the rest of my life.

If I had been moving through life more deliberately, I would have known that Bucky was about to give birth, for example. What else am I missing?

Besides commas and spaces.

I shudder the thought.

I don’t want to get any deeper into this now. I’m ready to relax on the couch.

We have three new kittens!

As I slowly woke up yesterday morning, I felt Bucky near my legs, under the covers. I thought, “What kind of a cat sleeps under the covers?” He was pawing my legs, purring and occasionally crying. This was my first clue, since, although purring in the morning is not unusual, crying certainly is. Then I felt moisture near my feet. I thought it was Corey’s sweaty feet–not unusual.

Eventually I got up to make some tea. While in the kitchen, I was surprised to hear Corey calling me, and with unusual gusto. “Suuuuu-sanne. Susanne! I guess Bucky’s not a boy after all!”

It was weird thing for him to even be awake at that hour. And talking nonsense on top of it? I was sure he was dreaming. But he wasn’t. He was up, unusually coherent, and yelling at me to “Come look!”

Kittens in the bed. Bucky gave birth to three black and gray striped kittens in our bed while we slept.

What a feeling. It’s hard to describe the excitement and joy I felt at seeing those kittens. Marley and I laid down on the bed next to them for an hour today, just watching. They’re just so precious. And it’s such a miracle.

Poor Bucky, so young. But she’s doing great. I’m really proud of her. By the time we woke up, she’d had them all cleaned up beautifully and they were suckling away at her. She knew just what to do. She’s being a good little mommy. It’s amazing.

How to Write Something Worth Reading

This is worth reading. The comments too.

I just found this on JoyfulWrecks.com

Body and Soul

In the morning
After taking cold shower
—–what a mistake—–
I look at the mirror.

There, a funny guy,
Grey hair, white beard, wrinkled skin,
—–what a pity—–
Poor, dirty, old man!
He is not me, absolutely not.

Land and life
Fishing in the ocean
Sleeping in the desert with stars
Building a shelter in mountains
Farming the ancient way
Singing with coyotes
Singing against nuclear way-
I’ll never be tired of life.
Now I’m seventeen years old,
Very charming young man.

I sit down in lotus position,
Meditating, meditating for nothing.
Suddenly a voice comes to me:
To stay young,
To save the world,
Break the mirror.”

Nanao Sakaki from “Break the Mirror” translated by Gary Snyder

I’m feeling anxious and annoyed about R & F’s visit. They’ll be here in two hours. YAY! I know it’s my problem that I don’t like company and, especially these days, I don’t care for my inlaws. It’s nobody’s fault but my own.

I’m just not looking forward to the visit, and then to what I know will be a long, loud, mediocre dinner at Cody’s. Blech.

I hate going out to dinner with a group of people. I hate waiting for a table. I hate all the clink-clink of dishes and silverware. I hate having to make lame conversation over the clink-clink. I hate the awkward chatter. Crowds. Noise. People I don’t know touching my food.

Jeez, I’m starting to sound like Louis.

So stupid. Why do people always want to see us? Take us out? Can’t they just leave us alone?

I know this is all me, btw. I’m just venting because, ridiculous as it is, this is how I feel.

I just told Corey that no wonder I get anxious. It’s difficult enough for me to deal with my own neuroses, nevermind having to coordinate everyone else’s too. WTF.

Can’t we just each take care of our own “issues” and leave the others out of it? Why is it my responsibility to accommodate Fran’s insecurity, Rhonda’s selfishness and guilt, Louis’ social anxiety?

Why can’t they keep their problems to themselves? I don’t put people out with my neuroses. Well, maybe sometimes. Especially Corey, but only because he asks.

I’m just having one of my cave days. I wish I had one so I could crawl in and not come out until everyone leaves.

I just found this poem by the current Poet Laureate on the Library of Congress’ Poetry Website

Turtle
Kay Ryan

Who would be a turtle who could help it?
A barely mobile hard roll, a four-oared helmet,
She can ill afford the chances she must take
In rowing toward the grasses that she eats.
Her track is graceless, like dragging
A packing-case places, and almost any slope
Defeats her modest hopes. Even being practical,
She’s often stuck up to the axle on her way
To something edible. With everything optimal,
She skirts the ditch which would convert
Her shell into a serving dish. She lives
Below luck-level, never imagining some lottery
Will change her load of pottery to wings.
Her only levity is patience,
The sport of truly chastened things.

This poem made me smile. Alot.

Write down statements that express how you want to see yourself financially, and write them in present-day terms, as though they’re already true. For example, “I am a great steward of my money” or “Money is my partner in forging a fabulous future.”

From ChangingCourse.com:

A year before I left my corporate job I sat down and created a job description for myself. The description outlined in detail the job I wanted, who I would work with, the office I would have and how much money I would make. I was specific and left nothing out. After I had been coaching for a while I came across the job description and was amazed. I was doing exactly what I had outlined in my job description, including having an office with a view of the mountains.

According to Divine Magic, a book revised and edited by Dorren Virtue, Ph.D., “You create your own universe.” The Power of a Single Thought says, “You may not like the current condition of your life, but it will quickly change if you strive to achieve your ideals.” There is a great quote by William James in the book by Wayne Dyer, Wisdom of the Ages. James contends that “There is a law in psychology that if you form a picture in your mind of what you would like to be, and you keep and hold that picture there long enough, you will soon become exactly as you have been thinking.” According to Jack Canfield in the Success Principles, “When you give your brain specific, colorful, and vividly compelling pictures to manifest, it will seek out and capture all the information necessary to bring that picture into reality for you.”

Before you can live your perfect day, you need to know what it would be like. What would you be doing? Who would you be with and where would you be? You have to be very specific and detailed. Once you become clear on all the details you then create an opportunity for your perfect day to become a reality.

Working to create the life I want. Just read an article on WOW! that says it’s helpful and necessary to spend a little time every day answering these questions in order to define and therefore attract the life we want.

What do you:

* Want
* Need
* Feel you must have
* Think you would love to have
* Know you absolutely can’t live without?

Jill’s advice:

Write. Rewrite. Cross off the things that are no longer true. The clearer the picture of what you want, the more likely you will find it.

Now that I’ve opened up this blog to readers and comments, I’m curious to know what’s on your list.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I feel so much better than I did while writing my earlier post.

I just had (was given) the idea to “work” on our future for at least one hour every day–probably the first hour of our down time in the evenings. Corey signed on as well. So that’s two hours a day committing to our future. It’s like putting money in the bank.

And I feel better already.

I put in my hour tonight searching through all the saved tabs from earlier today, looking for ideas, helpful websites, and opportunities and organizing them. Then Corey and I had an impromptu meeting.

Some ideas for future one-hour sessions:

Read the Facebook book
Get on Writers Market and look around for jobs
Get on elance and look for jobs
Go through my writings
Re-read Writer Mama
Listen to the teleseminars I’ve downloaded
search for markets and write fillers
write memoir vignettes
check out the VA websites

I know now that whenever I sit down to work on our future, the right opportunities and ideas will come directly to me. I am attracting them just by committing to the hour each day. Thank you.

I just did an audio meditation called, “Fulfill Your Own Potential.” It was short and it guided me into a meadow where my Fullest Potential Self comes out to meet my present self.

It was interesting. I’m not strong with visualization, but I definitely got a picture of a large(!) joyful me, with a peaceful, open smile. I think I was wearing a shimmering cape – ha! My only message to my present self was, “I live inside you. You ARE me.”

Then I got a vision of my outer shell breaking off in pieces so that the Fullest Potential me could be revealed. As if the skin of my body is holding in a much bigger, better me.

So, I have to let go of what? My ego’s perception of who I am? My ego’s perception of my “limitations”?

If I were to write a story of my life, what would it be?

What would I write about?

What is my focus?

From depression to peace?

From s* to soccer mom?

Boundaries?

Marriage?

This is a prayer. I thank you, Universe, and our amazing Angels, for helping Corey and I earn $4000 per month, effortlessly. No more warehouse for Corey. No warehouse for me. No more jobs that feel like settling.

I thank you for the large sum of money that is on it’s way to us as we speak.
I thank you for my faith in you, and me.
I thank you for the health of my family, and the love in our home.

Corey needs help breaking out of the habit of settling for less than he’s worth. He could use a boost of confidence and faith. Thank you for helping him to do something with the longer term in mind. Help him to understand that actions he takes today will pay off tomorrow. Thank you for removing his fear and replacing it with faith. It’s hard for me to see him like this. Thank you for helping me to be loving and supportive while he’s down, rather than reacting to it.

I know it’s all good. I just want Corey to know it too. Thank you for helping him act. Please move through him and give him the ganas to do whatever it takes to get CC supporting us.

It’s stupid that we’re wasting all this time working at the warehouse, when he could be making $200 an hour doing shows. It’s stupid. Thank you for bringing us $4000 per month worth of shows. Thank you for the continual flow of money-making opportunities coming our way.

And if we were smarter with our money, we’d be making more of it. Thank you for helping us learn how to handle our finances in a positive, productive, and abundance-creating way.

Thank you for helping Corey to replace his fear and doubt with faith. Thank you for helping him to see the long-term more clearly. It’s so important he understands that he cannot continue working for $10/hour. I know he’s working hard, and that’s even more reason why it doesn’t make sense. He needs to work smarter for his family and himself, not harder. Please show him the way. Thank you for showing him how to do it, for giving him the clarity to SEE it and the ganas to DO it.

Also, thank you for bringing Debra into my life. Thank you for showing me the way. Thank you for bringing us the right clients and their money. Thank you for helping her list grow so that she can attain the passive income she’s asking for.

Why do I feel guilty because Corey has to work four days next week? All of a sudden he’s acting all responsible, when two weeks ago I couldn’t get him to go to work. Now that my paychecks are on hold, he’s a little angry with me, whether he admits it or not.